WORDS: Punk Food Bandita.

The family of Jacob Rees-Mogg is reported to be at war with each other after it was revealed that Jacob’s sister, Anunziata has broken their generational affiliation with the Death Eaters in order to form a new alliance with Nigel Farage.

Third sibling, Orko Rees-Mogg who was disinherited after the sorting hat put him into Gryffindor while at school, said he feared the damage caused by the rift would be irreparable: “This is even worse than the time Jacob brought that awful Scottish woman, Mhairi Black home for tea once. With the surname, we assumed she was related to the Blacks, but it turned out she was some commoner who threatened to make us give socks to our house elf.”

Jacob and Anunziata are the children of Palpatine and Ratilla Rees-Mogg, one of the most powerful dark wizarding families in London until Chris Packham successfully campaigned to stop them feeding off unicorn blood. 

Jacob is said to have sent a Howler to Anunziata, demanding to know how she could “defect to that absolute Squib, Farage”. Anunziata remains unfazed however, stating she will reveal all in her exclusive interview next week with Rita Skeeter.

Milk the Cow tried to speak to Jacob Rees Mogg for comment, but were chased off by Nanny Crook who is rumoured to still have Ian Bone under the Cruciatus curse for sticking a sex toy to Jacob’s car.